where did the semester go?

so the last few months since patagonia have been a blur, and i just haven't updated this. quite frankly i haven't made many pictures since patagonia. i've been playing around with my holga (birthday present from colleen) and polaroid, but i definitely haven't gotten around to developing film and/or scanning polaroids. i will soon, i promise.

patagonia...i can't even describe the immensity of this trip, and the hard fall afterwards. whenever i taste a little bit of heaven reality puts me in to a state of shock, and this april was particularly arduous. but patagonia...patagonia was one of those trips where I found Joy, and I haven't really reached that level of God-sent cheerfulness since then, though RUF Summer Conference really renewed my spirits. I don't think I've written about Patagonia because words can't describe the poetry and bliss of my experiences there...the quiet adventures, the rugged beauty of my surroundings, the simple joy of creating again...it was one of those times where the beautiful form trapped inside of my body escaped and expanded ever outwards. It was one of those times where I got outside of self...but not in a negative, detached way. it wasn't the dreadful kind of body/mind/spirit separation that comes during in tragedy or frustration...it was the blissful kind that comes when you are so naturally absorbed in being and meaning who you were supposed to be and mean that you forget that you used to try real hard to be and mean someone. the kind where you feel like every particle in your body is the same as all of the particles outside of your body; you are connected to everything in the universe and you are connected to God. You know and feel known by God. This is the closest I've felt to the garden before adam and eve were banished. The curse has not yet ruined my relationships. The curse has not yet made work toilsome and creating difficult.

when i think of patagonia, i remember the graveyard. where i lost myself to my art and to nature.

april was hard because anything less than that was so inferior. i had mono, school sucked, my family was really struggling, adventure was no longer built into my environment. i was constantly overwhelmed, stressed, bored, or idle. I've been thirsty for Joy again. Rest. I didn't really remember that Jesus said "Come you who are weary and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Or else I remembered but then denounced its truth and tried to be my own saviour. it really didn't work, either.

i'm moving on. by God's grace, I have a better conception of my total depravity and Jesus' total perfection. My sin and frustration and shame have been transfered to Jesus, and his obedience and glory have been transfered to me...and now I am a royal daughter of the King! I'm always going to sin and struggle, but the joy comes in knowing that I don't have to "figure it out" on earth and reach perfection now. Earth is just a drop of water in the vast ocean...and God has promised me a restored relationship with Him, with others, and with my photography and myself in heaven. All that is sad WILL come untrue...not now, but one day. And that happiness will be everlasting. and it's starting now...slowly. the whole 'already not yet' thing.

i'm too tired to write more, but i'll try to make things more cohesive later. i have a lot i'd like to say about creativity and my pursuit of photography and how i'm seeing it fit into the creation/fall/redemption/consummation theme. i took a covenant theology seminar at conference (and a heaven and hell seminar) and they were SO enlightening, especially applied to my work and my art. I'm really excited to see where God is taking me with this new understanding...

oh and i'll post pictures too. and i'll write more about my new job. ahhh so much to do....