Do you want to be healed?

“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’”

Courtney, do you want to get well? Answer this, honestly.

Here’s what I want healing for:

A healed mind. Where I can sleep at night and not have my mind racing about things I need to do or did that day. The ability to stop thinking about food. The ability to be fully me before my Mom and unashamed; to cry withher and talk with her and embrace her. To be real together. The ability to stop sinning. To not even have a dirty thought enter my head. To not despair. For despair to be so far from me that I can’t remember the days of darkness, of freshman year, of last semester, the sleepless nights where all I can do is groan. To not have to grasp grasp grasp for jesus each morning because I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to be in glory, to be in your presence. To not have to descend to earth’s mediocrity. To not settle. To truly KNOW, from my earlobes to my pinky toe, that I am forgiven; that freshman year’s angry outbursts are wiped away, that last week’s selfish ambition is erased, the way the shore smooths over stones,to not be so into myself when other people are talking; to want to listen to others always and DELIGHTING in this. To be so open and vulnerable, the way a naked woman is before her husband; to be open to God’s intimate leading, his exciting adventure for me. To not want control over my life, but to yield it all to Him. (it’s funny, because deep down photojournalism the Career-the Title-the Status isn’t anywhere in my deepest desires).

But this is what is:

I would like to do things without exalting those things…I would like to be able to take pictures without exalting myself and FORGETTING my status as a child of the king. I want to be able to remember the things I forgot before the fall…how to walk on water, that I am valued because God is my Father, how to sense the emotions of the angels, how to climb trees and jump into the water thousands of feet below without being smashed against the rocks, how to speak in ancient tongues, how to have faith like a little child, how to let my imagination run run run unfettered, how to create stories upon stories, how to dance before nations and tribes without self-consciousness, how to hunger after food that is not sweet or artificial, but nourishing and that tastiest food I could ever imagine, how to daydream and not feel guilty about “wasting time” because there will be everlasting time and no minutes will ever be wasted “doing nothing” because there is all the time in the world, to be able to time-travel and tesseract, to visit other planets, to read and learn forever.

I want healing from short-sightedness. I am spiritually blind; I cannot see what I once saw, before the Fall of Man. I want healing from spiritual paralysis; I cannot walk on water, I cannot dance the tango with my Lord; I cannot even touch Him without shriveling and dying of fright; I want healing for my spiritual psychosis; I have a mental disease that makes me hunger after temporary, moldy bread of this world and it makes my stomach reject Real Food, True Bread. And what I need healing from the most is that I CHOSE these afflictions. When standing at the crossroads of Everlasting Life, Extended Rest, Joyful Singing, Art and Imagination, The Best School Ever, and then the road of Destruction, Half-ness, Decay, Impermanence, Instant Gratification, I chose the lesser path. It’s my fault. “Although I knew god, I neither glorified him nor gave thanks to him, and my thinking became futile and my foolish heart was darkened” (Romans 1:21).
So while that question, “Do you want to be healed,” seemed distant and strange to me at first, when I’m honest with myself my heart and body scream YES YES YES I want healing!!!!

And Jesus’ response to the paralyzed man, and to me?

“Get up. Pick up your mat and walk.”

Pick up all those earthly lackings that shackle you: peel away your spiritual maladies, the way you could old scabs, and watch the skin regenerate before your very eyes. All those sins that so easily entangle you daily and burden you down, just cast them aside. They’re not as heavy as you think, Courtney. Your short-sightedness, your despair, your spiritual paralysis, your inability to do the things of Paradise—unpeel them, pick them up, and put them at my Feet. And then walk—with new eyes, with a renewed mind. You can do the impossible things because I say so. But without my calling, you can do none of this.

And then:

“See, you are well again. Stop sinning.”

Praise God!!! This morning I am well. And with each encounter with Jesus, he reminds me, “See, you are well again.” He has promised me complete healing, a bodily resurrection. And I anxiously await for the day where I can soar on the wings of the angel s and can actually feel their multi-colored feathers—adorned with honeysuckle and lilac and precious gems—with my fingertips.

“Oh, the depth of the riches of
the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable h
is judgments, and his paths beyond tracing
out!
Who has known the mind of
The Lord?
Or who has been his
Counselor?
Who has ever give to God,
That god should repay him?
For from him and through him
And to him are all
Things.
To him be the glory forever!
Amen!”

caffeinated ramblings

just drank coffee out of a to-go mug my photo story subjects lent me, and now i'm sitting in my empty apartment listening to Jai Ho on youtube and feeling potential. I'm about to sit down and do my Visual Culture readings, which has been the hardest thing to do these days...just sit in the present and be a student. hopefully spring break cured my restlessness for a bit. i want to learn Paul's secret of being content in any and every situation!

anyways, here are the highlights of this month:

-finally delved into my j481 photo story, on the Sexton family. It's really nice taking pictures again, and this is one of the first stories I have done where I feel more like a friend and less like a strange photographer (though I still retain that strangeness, as Tim so kindly reminds me with each opening and closing of the shutter). :) Hospitality isn't just something done on the side with this family, it's a lifestyle...and natural one that seems to just flow and spill and spread out all over the place. I've really enjoyed picking Tim and Amie's brains...they have a heart for Jesus, a heart for kids, a heart for community-building and living "not safely." It's such a contrast to the way I was raised, and they retain an attractive selflessness that convicts and challenges and encourages me. I fell asleep on their couch last night after talking about parenting and growing up and how God will gut out your/my/our selfishness and provide for you/me/us and countless other things, like starting Christian communes (and that commune in Philly started by Shane something-or-other, a pastor with dreads. oh and they fed me pancakes this morning. :) below are some photos...trying to string together a storyline:















-had refreshing time with Jesus at the beach in South Carolina, which included a solo bike exploration across Hilton Head island and my Bible. I had several "gospel" moments, where He reminded me so firmly and gently that He loves me even though i don't have my act together! Ever since I started dating Mike, and even before (think: last spring) I've been wandering from the folds of God, and it's okay! Colossians 2 invokes us to remember how we received our salvation and continue in Christ in this same way. If I received Christ (rather, Christ reached me) when I was a loveless, angry, rebellious and clinically depressed teenager, I do not need to wait until I'm "healthy" or cured of all current restlessness, anxiety, and lovelessness in order to remain in Christ! He expects me to be a wanderer! He expects me to forget Him and to sin! And He loves me anyways! He loves me fiercely...do you know how loved I am???!!!! And He IS changing me; He has already begun the process of gutting out my heart and filling it with Christ. I am no longer defined by my lovelessness and my rebellion, even though I still struggle with sin, because Christ has adopted me and defined my by His family. Repent and believe, repent and believe. Jesus is my atoning sacrifice; there is therefore now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

-watched Slumdog Millionaire. Go see it. Sponsor a kid from Mumbai. Then go dance to Jai Ho.

-started a new painting!!!!! I haven't painted since before I broke up with Mike, and for awhile I was scared that I let all of my artistic inspiration spring from and for him. Oh and I sold my first painting!

-crossed paths with old friends who were once very dear to my heart, and then we just sort of fell out of sync for a bit. I'm excited to see what God will do with these intersections.

-By God's grace, am starting to give up some of my desires to the Lord. As much as I want a photo job and to grow/utilize my gifts, I want to want Jesus more. The gift is not greater than the Giver; the photo job is not going to give me the satisfaction or security that only Jesus can give. God has been showing me how much I'm trying to make my home in this world; the truth is, though, that all of the deepest desires of my heart WILL be met in Heaven, and Jesus is already beginning to woo me! I may not ever feel "utilized" on earth, and God could very well cause me to lose my sight or to lose my hands, but He has a specific job for me and a specific role for me and a specific place for me in His House in the New Heavens!

-started wearing random second-hand clothing again. My mom bought me a bunch of nice clothes for Christmas, which I appreciate, but I missed throwing on headscarves and hole-y leggings and painted-smeared dresses. I know it's just clothes, but God made us visual people and He wants for us to express ourselves!

-read Water for Elephants and most of Travels with Charley in Search for America.

-slept outside under the stars and went in some rich person's backyard to watch a magnificent sunset in South Carolina that reminded me of Patagonia...gave me the same stirring in my heart that I forgot was there!

-ran out of rent money for may. God is putting lots of stumbling blocks in my place, for my good. He is disciplining me in my finances because he loves me...pray for patience and good stewardship...pray that I could look to Him to provide and do what I need to do to be faithful to His calling to love Him and love others (with my money). It's definitely an area of my life I need lots of growth in...managing time, money, gifts, etc., in a wise way that isn't selfish. At any rate, I think this means a closed door for the Galapagos...which is good! God is closing one door to open a better one, and to make me more like Jesus.

okay so this was kind of random. School starts again on Monday. It's my last six weeks as a student...ever. Holy Cow.

where did the semester go?

so the last few months since patagonia have been a blur, and i just haven't updated this. quite frankly i haven't made many pictures since patagonia. i've been playing around with my holga (birthday present from colleen) and polaroid, but i definitely haven't gotten around to developing film and/or scanning polaroids. i will soon, i promise.

patagonia...i can't even describe the immensity of this trip, and the hard fall afterwards. whenever i taste a little bit of heaven reality puts me in to a state of shock, and this april was particularly arduous. but patagonia...patagonia was one of those trips where I found Joy, and I haven't really reached that level of God-sent cheerfulness since then, though RUF Summer Conference really renewed my spirits. I don't think I've written about Patagonia because words can't describe the poetry and bliss of my experiences there...the quiet adventures, the rugged beauty of my surroundings, the simple joy of creating again...it was one of those times where the beautiful form trapped inside of my body escaped and expanded ever outwards. It was one of those times where I got outside of self...but not in a negative, detached way. it wasn't the dreadful kind of body/mind/spirit separation that comes during in tragedy or frustration...it was the blissful kind that comes when you are so naturally absorbed in being and meaning who you were supposed to be and mean that you forget that you used to try real hard to be and mean someone. the kind where you feel like every particle in your body is the same as all of the particles outside of your body; you are connected to everything in the universe and you are connected to God. You know and feel known by God. This is the closest I've felt to the garden before adam and eve were banished. The curse has not yet ruined my relationships. The curse has not yet made work toilsome and creating difficult.

when i think of patagonia, i remember the graveyard. where i lost myself to my art and to nature.

april was hard because anything less than that was so inferior. i had mono, school sucked, my family was really struggling, adventure was no longer built into my environment. i was constantly overwhelmed, stressed, bored, or idle. I've been thirsty for Joy again. Rest. I didn't really remember that Jesus said "Come you who are weary and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Or else I remembered but then denounced its truth and tried to be my own saviour. it really didn't work, either.

i'm moving on. by God's grace, I have a better conception of my total depravity and Jesus' total perfection. My sin and frustration and shame have been transfered to Jesus, and his obedience and glory have been transfered to me...and now I am a royal daughter of the King! I'm always going to sin and struggle, but the joy comes in knowing that I don't have to "figure it out" on earth and reach perfection now. Earth is just a drop of water in the vast ocean...and God has promised me a restored relationship with Him, with others, and with my photography and myself in heaven. All that is sad WILL come untrue...not now, but one day. And that happiness will be everlasting. and it's starting now...slowly. the whole 'already not yet' thing.

i'm too tired to write more, but i'll try to make things more cohesive later. i have a lot i'd like to say about creativity and my pursuit of photography and how i'm seeing it fit into the creation/fall/redemption/consummation theme. i took a covenant theology seminar at conference (and a heaven and hell seminar) and they were SO enlightening, especially applied to my work and my art. I'm really excited to see where God is taking me with this new understanding...

oh and i'll post pictures too. and i'll write more about my new job. ahhh so much to do....