have been thinking a lot about the command to "love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself."
In my feeble attempts to follow this command, God has been showing me
a) how much I don't naturally love my neighbors
b) how much attention/love/service I naturally demand from others
I take so much for granted! I have been driving all over God's green earth this week and last working on a photo story, but as soon as friends asked me to drive them an hour away my immediate reaction was, "heck no! I don't have time! i don't want to drive you, I just want to drive myself everywhere." gross. I repented and apologized to Brooke, and now I'm experiencing the joy of God filling my heart with HIS love. I don't think you can experience this joy unless you realize the crapiness or your own heart and beg God to take it away. There isn't room in a dirty closet for new clothes. The cool thing was I didn't expect God to make me JOYFUL about serving my sister, but He is doing that!
In contemplating points a) and b) above, I started making a list of all the ways people have served me at UNC (at my conscious and subconscious demand), to this very moment. It's crazy. Here are some ways, big and small:
1) relatives letting me stay at their homes on numerous occasions when my family was in the process of moving to N.C.
2) Nate C. letting me use his driveway for like two months to park my car freshman year
3) Pat giving me countless photo edits, at my demand. He even came into school one day on his day OFF to edit my stuff! (and i attribute contest prizes to myself. yeah right...it's SO not me.)
4) Chris C, Cassie B. and lots of photo students volunteering their time with 37th Frame this year---and they didn't get credit. I was partially motivated by the "status" of being curator--at least I get a few thanks at the end. They joyfully helped out, not expecting to get anything in return. That is huge. I am humbled and so very grateful
5) elby and dhivya comforting me when I was moody and crying during the whole mike saga. They were always quick to listen, even though i wasn't fun, and slow to judge. I would have laughed at myself.
6) brooke, laura fletcher, ben inman, byron peters, erin coomer, girls at community group, john r., kathy herington, and countless countless brothers and sisters in Christ SO quick and willing to care for me spiritually. quick to pray for me, quick to carry my burdens, quick to cry with me and for me, quick to be jesus INCARNATE. i've demanded prayers and support SO much, and just expected it! I want to be quick to love others the way these folks loved me.
7) architects building libraries and coffeeshops for me to study in. seriously! you never really think about it, but i take it for granted that people will do what they love to do in order to serve my building/creative/studying needs. i'm glad architects studied at school. i'm glad art historians wrote books for me to use to write papers. I can't attribute an "A" to myself...if they hadn't written the books, i wouldn't know squat. something to chew on.
8) photo story subjects letting me just invade their lives, interrupt things, ask them to, you know, just bare their souls in front of the camera and recorder. I often feel like these amazing people are serving me more than I am serving them!!! They are allowing me to do what I LOVE and to grow and experiment as a photographer. They give me creative space! so thanks to Chief Henry and fam, Bobby Hill and fam, the Sexton crew and the whole neighborhood, Cristina in Patagonia and fam, all the boarding school kids in Chile, the capoeirstas in Naples, all the kids i've babysat and photographed, hookah bliss folks, eco-institute folks, holy cow the list goes on foreveeeeeeeeeerrrrrr. so many people I am thankful for!!!!
9) mom and dad doing my laundry, giving me food, making me dinner, making doctors appointments for me, talking on the phone when I need them. I'd like to think that I serve my parents, but really they still serve me in HUGE ways. it blows me away, and really humbles me because I am not as quick to serve them. I want to be though!
10) sisters' older friends letting me be their little sister, too, when I am especially needy. gchats and aim talks and bedside talks.
11) people who make me coffee. heck, people who pick the coffee beans in south america. And i just expect them to do this for me. all hell would break loose if they stopped picking coffee and i couldn't be caffeinated! when you really think about how much WORK goes into enjoying a single product....it's crazy. let's take a salad and go backwards. students washed the leaves and put the spinach in the bowl together, they prayed over the food before I consumed it. teresa bought the salad from the farmer's market and refrigerated it and made sure it was fresh. people sold it at the farmers' market on saturday. farmers grew the spinach and they probably prayed over their crops, too. and i don't even know what happens before that. so much love and hard, physical work goes into my enjoying a single salad. okay i'm really rambling now, but what would happen if I thought about every object this way? a work of art? a table? a water bottle I borrowed from Lydia Friz like eight years ago and never returned? woooooooowwwwww i take so much for granted
12) IT guys in the j-school who let me check out laptops like every other week. and i demand this! i would flip out if they didn't serve me. wow. so thankful.
13) teachers writing recommendations at the LAST MINUTE so i can go to the Galapagos Islands or Patagonia or who knows where.
14) teachers giving me extensions when I am sick, giving me grace when I am worn out and depressed or sleepless. grace grace grace grace.
15) even in my play---people who actually hang out with me when I am bored and call them, using them because i am bored and don't want to feel bored.
16) financial aid giving me loan money and need money. Even though they can't get their crap together sometimes (says our graffiti wall), they still give me money and i can go to school and do cool things with it. blesssssinnngggggggs
17) parents being more proud of my accomplishments than their own. celebrating with me when good stuff happens. wow. i don't know if care MORE for others' accomplishments than my own. even though i've already established here that my accomplishments are never truly "mine."
18) people bringing buckets and djembes and letting me use them to make music on franklin. service in creativity. would never do that alone, can't do it alone!
19) people being patient with me when I am flaky (which is a lot) and back out on plans because I want to do what I want (which is a lot). wow. how do people put up with me?
20) friends who email me asking me how they can pray for me. unsolicited. that's love.
okay, so that's it for now. i could keep going. what are things ya'll can think of? it's kind of fun to realize how much work and love go into a single product for YOUR use and enjoyment. we really are still kids...don't know if we ever grow out of our natural inclination to want and expect people to do things for us. i want to give back though, i really do want to learn how to love with the love I've been shown.
--cpot
Showing posts with label hindsight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hindsight. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
God provides!!!!
I am in awe of God's faithfulness right now, and I am also humbled to the bones.
Why does He lavish blessings on me even though I doubt, I cry, I kick and scream and don't believe???? I am yet again reminded, powerfully, that it is not my "perfect faith" or "perfect attitude" that causes God to bless me; He is God and CHOOSES to bless me. I certainly don't deserve it! Erin reminded me that God tests us so as to expose our heart's true desires (which are cloudy and imperfect and often downright sinful). He causes us to feel the depths of our hearts, to push us almost to the point of despair, just so He can lift us up out of it and bring greater glory to His name!
The Lord just met my financial needs to the last penny. For the last two months I have been fretting something AWFUL about summer plans and lack thereof, joblessness, and a recent bankruptcy that was the result of my loan money getting screwed up. I spent the last two weeks being forced to examine how I spend my money, thinking that i just spent all the loan money (not knowing it was a fluke), and this was not a pretty thing. My heart is exposed in my bankbook...so much money was spent on my Baals and Asherahs, contest fees for my pride, hard drives for my visual identity (bah), Starbucks and Weaver Street breakfasts for my appetite and pleasures. God started to teach me that I do not give back to Him what He gives me financially, and that I hoard my money and rarely use it for others!!!! This is an area of my life that I'd rather not touch; my default with money is to just not think about how i'm spending it (because it's such a soft spot).
Anyways, He brought me down pretty low. His discipline was good, and it got me praying. God knows my heart; He sees all aspects of me, naked and exposed, and the crazy thing is that He loves ALL OF ME! Even though I am bad with money, He loves me! And He wants me to meditate on His mountains of mercy...to steep in His everlasting waters. He's not screaming down at me from heaven's throne, his brow furrowed, shouting, "Courtney why can't you get your act together, you covetous rebel? Why can't you be perfect? I won't love you until you are." NO! The church is God's whore, but He loves her fiercly. And He is changing me NOW! He is transforming my desires NOW and turning me into the Pure Bride that He already sees me as.
And just now he gave me all of my rent money back. He also gave me two grants for the summer...two grants to go to the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador to do multimedia journalism. Two grants that I had given up on because of "the bad economy" and because of my "sinful heart" and countless other things. And he gave me the EXACT amount I need to fund this! I am amazed, blown away right now at His generosity and kindness and patience, because am certainly not any of those things and in NO WAY deserve these grants. My roommies could testify to that...they've seen the panic attacks, they've heard the whining and complaining.
So now, here I am, amazed that God opened a door that looked shut to me. And I am excited about the possibilities...I am SO excited to see what stories He leads me to in South America and how He grows up the body of Christ...how I get to be an active part of that!!!! (Pat said that at least half of the people going to the Galapagos were Christians!) I praise His name right now. I praise Him for the hardship and struggle of waiting, I praise him for the testing that I did NOT perform well in, and I praises Him for His blessings. But even if He were to close this door, He would have provided for me.
Increase my faith, sweet Jesus. Make me more like you.
Why does He lavish blessings on me even though I doubt, I cry, I kick and scream and don't believe???? I am yet again reminded, powerfully, that it is not my "perfect faith" or "perfect attitude" that causes God to bless me; He is God and CHOOSES to bless me. I certainly don't deserve it! Erin reminded me that God tests us so as to expose our heart's true desires (which are cloudy and imperfect and often downright sinful). He causes us to feel the depths of our hearts, to push us almost to the point of despair, just so He can lift us up out of it and bring greater glory to His name!
The Lord just met my financial needs to the last penny. For the last two months I have been fretting something AWFUL about summer plans and lack thereof, joblessness, and a recent bankruptcy that was the result of my loan money getting screwed up. I spent the last two weeks being forced to examine how I spend my money, thinking that i just spent all the loan money (not knowing it was a fluke), and this was not a pretty thing. My heart is exposed in my bankbook...so much money was spent on my Baals and Asherahs, contest fees for my pride, hard drives for my visual identity (bah), Starbucks and Weaver Street breakfasts for my appetite and pleasures. God started to teach me that I do not give back to Him what He gives me financially, and that I hoard my money and rarely use it for others!!!! This is an area of my life that I'd rather not touch; my default with money is to just not think about how i'm spending it (because it's such a soft spot).
Anyways, He brought me down pretty low. His discipline was good, and it got me praying. God knows my heart; He sees all aspects of me, naked and exposed, and the crazy thing is that He loves ALL OF ME! Even though I am bad with money, He loves me! And He wants me to meditate on His mountains of mercy...to steep in His everlasting waters. He's not screaming down at me from heaven's throne, his brow furrowed, shouting, "Courtney why can't you get your act together, you covetous rebel? Why can't you be perfect? I won't love you until you are." NO! The church is God's whore, but He loves her fiercly. And He is changing me NOW! He is transforming my desires NOW and turning me into the Pure Bride that He already sees me as.
And just now he gave me all of my rent money back. He also gave me two grants for the summer...two grants to go to the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador to do multimedia journalism. Two grants that I had given up on because of "the bad economy" and because of my "sinful heart" and countless other things. And he gave me the EXACT amount I need to fund this! I am amazed, blown away right now at His generosity and kindness and patience, because am certainly not any of those things and in NO WAY deserve these grants. My roommies could testify to that...they've seen the panic attacks, they've heard the whining and complaining.
So now, here I am, amazed that God opened a door that looked shut to me. And I am excited about the possibilities...I am SO excited to see what stories He leads me to in South America and how He grows up the body of Christ...how I get to be an active part of that!!!! (Pat said that at least half of the people going to the Galapagos were Christians!) I praise His name right now. I praise Him for the hardship and struggle of waiting, I praise him for the testing that I did NOT perform well in, and I praises Him for His blessings. But even if He were to close this door, He would have provided for me.
Increase my faith, sweet Jesus. Make me more like you.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
acrylic trees, yellow.
So I just painted a giant yellow tree on my bedroom wall/ceiling and created polaroid-foliage of sorts. Then I proceeded to take out old photos from frames (by old...i mean stuff from when I was 17. I always have tons of new pictures I want to print but then I get distracted with taking photos and forget to ever print the ones I liked. Then I just get complacent. But there are too many photos to take and too many things to do with my time and money, like make pizza from scratch and go to a steampunk dance party or tithe or something. but i do wish I made prints more often.)
it's crazy how fast new photos you like become old and boring. I just filled my frames with photos from naples- the pier, the sarasota and cambier drum circles, other things/people that inspired me this summer/december. But I feel as though that season of my life has come to a close, and soon I'll be wanting new inspiration up on my walls.
I regret not having tangible evidence of the last four years. I've taken thousands upon thousands of photos, but I've only printed about a hundred of those photos...and not even the good ones. When I die, and when my back-up CD's and external hard drives become useless, there will be no evidence that a woman named courtney ann potter walked on this earth and breathed inspiration and made pretty pictures. maybe that's why the Teacher declares "everything under the sun is vanity!" Oh, but I do hope my pictures are in heaven! I do hope I can take pictures in heaven!
I'm having one of those rare days where I feel like there is SO much I want to create and i just don't have enough time to do it. I actually have LOADS of time right now, since classes haven't started yet, but that loads feels like nothing. which is why i'm blogging at 2:30 in the morning. creativejuiceswontstopgushingoutofmybrain
i just rearranged my room, prior to painting a giant yellow tree on the wall. it's not square at all. i put my bed in my closet and a mirror in the corner my chair in the off-center and it's lovely and wonderful. if i was all about math or econ, rearranging my room would be a waste of energy, but i'm not all about math or econ, am I? "and it was good."
don't know if i'm ever gonna be able to put photos on this blog. i know how to do it, but i'd much rather rearrange my room. although there are some wonderful steampunk photos that i would love to make public.
it's crazy how fast new photos you like become old and boring. I just filled my frames with photos from naples- the pier, the sarasota and cambier drum circles, other things/people that inspired me this summer/december. But I feel as though that season of my life has come to a close, and soon I'll be wanting new inspiration up on my walls.
I regret not having tangible evidence of the last four years. I've taken thousands upon thousands of photos, but I've only printed about a hundred of those photos...and not even the good ones. When I die, and when my back-up CD's and external hard drives become useless, there will be no evidence that a woman named courtney ann potter walked on this earth and breathed inspiration and made pretty pictures. maybe that's why the Teacher declares "everything under the sun is vanity!" Oh, but I do hope my pictures are in heaven! I do hope I can take pictures in heaven!
I'm having one of those rare days where I feel like there is SO much I want to create and i just don't have enough time to do it. I actually have LOADS of time right now, since classes haven't started yet, but that loads feels like nothing. which is why i'm blogging at 2:30 in the morning. creativejuiceswontstopgushingoutofmybrain
i just rearranged my room, prior to painting a giant yellow tree on the wall. it's not square at all. i put my bed in my closet and a mirror in the corner my chair in the off-center and it's lovely and wonderful. if i was all about math or econ, rearranging my room would be a waste of energy, but i'm not all about math or econ, am I? "and it was good."
don't know if i'm ever gonna be able to put photos on this blog. i know how to do it, but i'd much rather rearrange my room. although there are some wonderful steampunk photos that i would love to make public.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
seasons (turn, turn, turn)
Man I suck at updating these things. I guess I blog when I have down time...so chances are, the happier/more fulfilled I am in my daily work, the less I am going to blog. Which implies that I'm in one of those "down seasons" with photography (and life).
I'm learning to embrace the ups and downs. This summer was a fantastic three-month period of constant shooting/creation/artistic and journalistic growth while I worked for the Naples Daily News. I entered this semester thinking that that season would just carry over, but life got in the way. I'm not shooting the way I was, but I'm not beating myself up over it. God wants me to use this time for other things...it's good to have the freedom to just go on a long bike ride or go pray in the woods. Truth and beauty is the fuel for good art...there are seasons where you need to get refueled.
The down seasons are always a challenge, though. I am not too good at being still. God's been teaching me (or re-teaching me, rather, since he taught me this last fall during my creative slump) that my self-worth is NOT wrapped up in what i do. Photography and journalism is very much part of who I am, but they aren't my identity. My identity is rooted in Christ; I am a child of God! Shooting more, shooting better, being constantly "inspired"...these things are all good, but they are not ends. God loves me just the same (which is a TON) when I'm not feeling productive.
Pat reminded me this week that I need to just stay on the path that God has put me on. I've been running around like a headless chicken, wondering if I'm cut out for a photojournalism career, trying to conjure up other career titles out of fear. But God has given me the passion, the talent, the opportunities, and a whole heck of a lot of amazing people. So I'm going to keep going for it...a photojournalism career...even though I don't have much photography to show for this particular season.
I'm excited to see what lessons God is teaching me this season.
I'm learning to embrace the ups and downs. This summer was a fantastic three-month period of constant shooting/creation/artistic and journalistic growth while I worked for the Naples Daily News. I entered this semester thinking that that season would just carry over, but life got in the way. I'm not shooting the way I was, but I'm not beating myself up over it. God wants me to use this time for other things...it's good to have the freedom to just go on a long bike ride or go pray in the woods. Truth and beauty is the fuel for good art...there are seasons where you need to get refueled.
The down seasons are always a challenge, though. I am not too good at being still. God's been teaching me (or re-teaching me, rather, since he taught me this last fall during my creative slump) that my self-worth is NOT wrapped up in what i do. Photography and journalism is very much part of who I am, but they aren't my identity. My identity is rooted in Christ; I am a child of God! Shooting more, shooting better, being constantly "inspired"...these things are all good, but they are not ends. God loves me just the same (which is a TON) when I'm not feeling productive.
Pat reminded me this week that I need to just stay on the path that God has put me on. I've been running around like a headless chicken, wondering if I'm cut out for a photojournalism career, trying to conjure up other career titles out of fear. But God has given me the passion, the talent, the opportunities, and a whole heck of a lot of amazing people. So I'm going to keep going for it...a photojournalism career...even though I don't have much photography to show for this particular season.
I'm excited to see what lessons God is teaching me this season.
Monday, May 19, 2008
where did the semester go?
so the last few months since patagonia have been a blur, and i just haven't updated this. quite frankly i haven't made many pictures since patagonia. i've been playing around with my holga (birthday present from colleen) and polaroid, but i definitely haven't gotten around to developing film and/or scanning polaroids. i will soon, i promise.
patagonia...i can't even describe the immensity of this trip, and the hard fall afterwards. whenever i taste a little bit of heaven reality puts me in to a state of shock, and this april was particularly arduous. but patagonia...patagonia was one of those trips where I found Joy, and I haven't really reached that level of God-sent cheerfulness since then, though RUF Summer Conference really renewed my spirits. I don't think I've written about Patagonia because words can't describe the poetry and bliss of my experiences there...the quiet adventures, the rugged beauty of my surroundings, the simple joy of creating again...it was one of those times where the beautiful form trapped inside of my body escaped and expanded ever outwards. It was one of those times where I got outside of self...but not in a negative, detached way. it wasn't the dreadful kind of body/mind/spirit separation that comes during in tragedy or frustration...it was the blissful kind that comes when you are so naturally absorbed in being and meaning who you were supposed to be and mean that you forget that you used to try real hard to be and mean someone. the kind where you feel like every particle in your body is the same as all of the particles outside of your body; you are connected to everything in the universe and you are connected to God. You know and feel known by God. This is the closest I've felt to the garden before adam and eve were banished. The curse has not yet ruined my relationships. The curse has not yet made work toilsome and creating difficult.
when i think of patagonia, i remember the graveyard. where i lost myself to my art and to nature.
april was hard because anything less than that was so inferior. i had mono, school sucked, my family was really struggling, adventure was no longer built into my environment. i was constantly overwhelmed, stressed, bored, or idle. I've been thirsty for Joy again. Rest. I didn't really remember that Jesus said "Come you who are weary and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Or else I remembered but then denounced its truth and tried to be my own saviour. it really didn't work, either.
i'm moving on. by God's grace, I have a better conception of my total depravity and Jesus' total perfection. My sin and frustration and shame have been transfered to Jesus, and his obedience and glory have been transfered to me...and now I am a royal daughter of the King! I'm always going to sin and struggle, but the joy comes in knowing that I don't have to "figure it out" on earth and reach perfection now. Earth is just a drop of water in the vast ocean...and God has promised me a restored relationship with Him, with others, and with my photography and myself in heaven. All that is sad WILL come untrue...not now, but one day. And that happiness will be everlasting. and it's starting now...slowly. the whole 'already not yet' thing.
i'm too tired to write more, but i'll try to make things more cohesive later. i have a lot i'd like to say about creativity and my pursuit of photography and how i'm seeing it fit into the creation/fall/redemption/consummation theme. i took a covenant theology seminar at conference (and a heaven and hell seminar) and they were SO enlightening, especially applied to my work and my art. I'm really excited to see where God is taking me with this new understanding...
oh and i'll post pictures too. and i'll write more about my new job. ahhh so much to do....
patagonia...i can't even describe the immensity of this trip, and the hard fall afterwards. whenever i taste a little bit of heaven reality puts me in to a state of shock, and this april was particularly arduous. but patagonia...patagonia was one of those trips where I found Joy, and I haven't really reached that level of God-sent cheerfulness since then, though RUF Summer Conference really renewed my spirits. I don't think I've written about Patagonia because words can't describe the poetry and bliss of my experiences there...the quiet adventures, the rugged beauty of my surroundings, the simple joy of creating again...it was one of those times where the beautiful form trapped inside of my body escaped and expanded ever outwards. It was one of those times where I got outside of self...but not in a negative, detached way. it wasn't the dreadful kind of body/mind/spirit separation that comes during in tragedy or frustration...it was the blissful kind that comes when you are so naturally absorbed in being and meaning who you were supposed to be and mean that you forget that you used to try real hard to be and mean someone. the kind where you feel like every particle in your body is the same as all of the particles outside of your body; you are connected to everything in the universe and you are connected to God. You know and feel known by God. This is the closest I've felt to the garden before adam and eve were banished. The curse has not yet ruined my relationships. The curse has not yet made work toilsome and creating difficult.
when i think of patagonia, i remember the graveyard. where i lost myself to my art and to nature.
april was hard because anything less than that was so inferior. i had mono, school sucked, my family was really struggling, adventure was no longer built into my environment. i was constantly overwhelmed, stressed, bored, or idle. I've been thirsty for Joy again. Rest. I didn't really remember that Jesus said "Come you who are weary and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Or else I remembered but then denounced its truth and tried to be my own saviour. it really didn't work, either.
i'm moving on. by God's grace, I have a better conception of my total depravity and Jesus' total perfection. My sin and frustration and shame have been transfered to Jesus, and his obedience and glory have been transfered to me...and now I am a royal daughter of the King! I'm always going to sin and struggle, but the joy comes in knowing that I don't have to "figure it out" on earth and reach perfection now. Earth is just a drop of water in the vast ocean...and God has promised me a restored relationship with Him, with others, and with my photography and myself in heaven. All that is sad WILL come untrue...not now, but one day. And that happiness will be everlasting. and it's starting now...slowly. the whole 'already not yet' thing.
i'm too tired to write more, but i'll try to make things more cohesive later. i have a lot i'd like to say about creativity and my pursuit of photography and how i'm seeing it fit into the creation/fall/redemption/consummation theme. i took a covenant theology seminar at conference (and a heaven and hell seminar) and they were SO enlightening, especially applied to my work and my art. I'm really excited to see where God is taking me with this new understanding...
oh and i'll post pictures too. and i'll write more about my new job. ahhh so much to do....
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