God provides!!!!

I am in awe of God's faithfulness right now, and I am also humbled to the bones.

Why does He lavish blessings on me even though I doubt, I cry, I kick and scream and don't believe???? I am yet again reminded, powerfully, that it is not my "perfect faith" or "perfect attitude" that causes God to bless me; He is God and CHOOSES to bless me. I certainly don't deserve it! Erin reminded me that God tests us so as to expose our heart's true desires (which are cloudy and imperfect and often downright sinful). He causes us to feel the depths of our hearts, to push us almost to the point of despair, just so He can lift us up out of it and bring greater glory to His name!

The Lord just met my financial needs to the last penny. For the last two months I have been fretting something AWFUL about summer plans and lack thereof, joblessness, and a recent bankruptcy that was the result of my loan money getting screwed up. I spent the last two weeks being forced to examine how I spend my money, thinking that i just spent all the loan money (not knowing it was a fluke), and this was not a pretty thing. My heart is exposed in my bankbook...so much money was spent on my Baals and Asherahs, contest fees for my pride, hard drives for my visual identity (bah), Starbucks and Weaver Street breakfasts for my appetite and pleasures. God started to teach me that I do not give back to Him what He gives me financially, and that I hoard my money and rarely use it for others!!!! This is an area of my life that I'd rather not touch; my default with money is to just not think about how i'm spending it (because it's such a soft spot).

Anyways, He brought me down pretty low. His discipline was good, and it got me praying. God knows my heart; He sees all aspects of me, naked and exposed, and the crazy thing is that He loves ALL OF ME! Even though I am bad with money, He loves me! And He wants me to meditate on His mountains of mercy...to steep in His everlasting waters. He's not screaming down at me from heaven's throne, his brow furrowed, shouting, "Courtney why can't you get your act together, you covetous rebel? Why can't you be perfect? I won't love you until you are." NO! The church is God's whore, but He loves her fiercly. And He is changing me NOW! He is transforming my desires NOW and turning me into the Pure Bride that He already sees me as.

And just now he gave me all of my rent money back. He also gave me two grants for the summer...two grants to go to the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador to do multimedia journalism. Two grants that I had given up on because of "the bad economy" and because of my "sinful heart" and countless other things. And he gave me the EXACT amount I need to fund this! I am amazed, blown away right now at His generosity and kindness and patience, because am certainly not any of those things and in NO WAY deserve these grants. My roommies could testify to that...they've seen the panic attacks, they've heard the whining and complaining.

So now, here I am, amazed that God opened a door that looked shut to me. And I am excited about the possibilities...I am SO excited to see what stories He leads me to in South America and how He grows up the body of Christ...how I get to be an active part of that!!!! (Pat said that at least half of the people going to the Galapagos were Christians!) I praise His name right now. I praise Him for the hardship and struggle of waiting, I praise him for the testing that I did NOT perform well in, and I praises Him for His blessings. But even if He were to close this door, He would have provided for me.

Increase my faith, sweet Jesus. Make me more like you.