the last day of college, act of worship on my rug

I prayed this afternoon, in twilight frustration about my REM-interrupted, apathetic, isolated, no-good day, that God would show me the work that he would have me do.

This is it: what I am doing right now. My work is to remember God’s grace, God’s love, and how he has manifested Himself through so many people…in my weaknesses and strengths. I haven’t gotten through the last four years because I am strong. I haven’t forged lasting friendships because I am perfect. I haven’t found a major or passion because I am clever and industrious. I am about to graduate the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill because I am LOVED by a HUGE and GLORIOUS King, Redeemer, and Friend!!!!

God couldn’t have made this more evident to me in the manner that He chose. Of course I would have come to the RUF Banquet kicking and screaming, grumbling some jibberish about how “no one knows me” and thinking myself “past” RUF. Of course I wouldn’t have decided on my own strength, “Yes, this would be a lovely thing for me to do in which I will encounter God’s faithfulness to me through the years.” That isn’t my history. God has always used my weaknesses to the very fullest to teach me bigger lessons about Himself.

While at the RUF Senior Banquet I was well aware of my failures; I was not like Bethany- I had not been faithful to RUF through the years…I mean, from my very first day I was running away, not towards, large group and organized activities. When Ben was fired I grew frustrated and disillusioned and bitter. I harbored all sorts of bad fruit. I missed out on opportunities to draw near to folks—I ate with Rebecca just once or twice, and never have I done anything with Hannah Hoffman one-on-one. When I dated Mike I wilted and withdrew from community. I have not always loved Julia; I have been super-frustrated with her for MONTHS, and she was right in saying that our friendship was “stretching” (yet so so fruitful!) Yet these failures don’t crush me before God; Christ really has nailed them to the cross, been scorned for them, bled for them, killed for them, and RAISED in spite of them! I could stand in that room, loved and valued by RUFers not because I was perfect, but because every promise in Jesus is “Yes” and “Amen” and one of those promises is to use even Courtney Potter’s smallest acts of (unconscious) faith to spread His glory to others. That’s why person after person could raise their hand and share with me meaningful ways—both small and HUGE—that God had used me in their lives. It’s incredible. It’s absolutely incredible that this flighty, emotional, noncommittal, doubting woman could make a difference in the lives of people around her. God used me? ME????? But it’s not incredible in the sense that Jesus promised this would happen.

And that’s what I mean when I say the RUF Senior Banquet was a foretaste of heaven. When I die and ascend to glory, I will remember all those hard lessons that I had to learn on earth; I will remember my failures and mistakes. But that sin and weakness will no longer crush me the way it can on earth. I will not be ashamed not because those sins are small but because Christ will be VISIBLE, and that visibility will cover all of my darkness. On earth I am sinner saved by grace, and in heaven I will still be a sinner saved by grace. And I will see all the other ways that God used me to love others and make His glory known that went unrecognized by myself or others on earth. I will not forget my past; no, my memory of my past will be magnified in the presence of Christ. Does not darkness’ very presence provide a contrast for light, making the final painting that much more stunning?
Lord- thank you for your faithfulness to me. Thank you for fulfilling your promise to use me. I really am a jar of clay, and you really are the Maker! And what you have made is good. I praise you for the works of your hands!

I am so encouraged and refreshed right now. So motivated to continue the difficult, threateningly dangerous battle of “working out my salvation in fear and trembling.” God has brought me so so so far and will bring me yet farther.
It’s funny and humbling when you think about the ways I was used to bless others. Elly said I blessed her when I said that I don’t shave my legs because I’m practicing self-confidence. How could not shaving my legs be a BLESSING to others? That’s crazy. We’re talking about leg-hair, here. But this lifted her spirits and encouraged her to not worry about outward appearances and man’s thoughts when what God thinks of you is the only thing that really matters. Hannah said I’m like a big sister to her, yet I didn’t “pursue” her with the fervor and devotion with which I have pursued other friendships. Quentin said he communes with God and prays because I share my struggles so much; if I didn’t struggle openly, he wouldn’t have prayed. Okay, so God uses my SIN then! To benefit others and get them to talk to Him. That’s even weirder than the leg-hair thing. Julia said I blessed her the first week of school when she was “catatonic” and I took her out to Fosters for lunch. She said she didn’t remember a word I said, but that it spoke mountains to her. This may be the weirdest of them all! It means that God didn’t use my well-crafted words in that instance. But He still used me to love Julia and bring glory to His name!

Folks said I was organic, spiritual, genuine, different in thinking and dress, honest, imperfect, sincere in my love for God and my openness for Him to work in my life. That’s really really cool. For anyone who didn’t know me before freshmen year of college—this description is a TOTAL makeover, from the inside-out. In high school I was limited and closed rather than organic; over-analytical rather than spiritual, intense rather than genuine; conformist in thought and dress rather than expressive; striving for perfection rather than honest about my imperfections, absent in love for God or others, and scared of letting Him in. HOLY CRAP. This isn’t superficial. God’s working in my life—God’s grace—has caused me to realize on every level the freedom that I have in Christ. I am me—organic, genuine, emotionally volatile, different, etc.—because I am free in Christ to be that. He is shaping me into the beautiful woman that He has made me to be, and I can boast in His work. I look at myself and I have pride—not because I did it, but because God is writing my story, and He is the best story-teller.

And now college is coming to end. It was the last day of class. It was my last RUF event. And now I am sprawled, half-naked, on the rug in my crazy grafitti-walled apartment, listening to Iron and Wine as I beat on the broken keyboard of my old laptop, which has been with me for these last four years for acts of worship such as this one. What was my work for today? To go to the RUF Senior Banquet and hear how God has used my in others’ lives. To worship God at 10:52 pm on my rug, responding to the fiery impulse inside of my heart to write to Him in humility and sincere thankfulness.

thank you.