thoughts on art and discipline.

It's been ages.

In the span of four months, I have wandered alone on an island in Galapagos- singing praises to Jesus in a hammock behind the Armada, I have played with two new littler sisters in their comfortable Quito high-rise apartment living room, I have laughed with a jungle family in their Amazonian hospital compound, I have gotten my first job at UNC Health Care as a grown up multimedia journalist, I have sat on my couch for a week with a bad case of swine flu, and I have shot three weddings around the state of North Carolina. That's crazy to me.

I miss writing. Expressing myself in general. Since returning from Ecuador, photography has become a means to fill my belly, not my soul. So of course I am turning to different forms of expression. Last year it was painting and drumming. Previous years it was writing poetry and prose. Now, the uncontrollable urge to dance has seized me this past month (probably fostered by a recent obsession with So You Think You Can Dance), but I can't help from leaping in the kitchen and watching "how to do a jazz attitude leap" tutorials on youtube. I'm seriously considering taking a modern dance class. When I dance (even though I don't technically know what I'm doing), I forget about all of the trivial worries that flood me at all other hours of the day. I also feel this way when I drum, or play piano, or paint, or run in the woods. But this season I'm feeling it most strongly in dance.

I do regret that in all of my artistic endeavors, including photography, I have lacked hard-core discipline. I just do it when I feel the urge; when the urge leaves, the art form leaves. Kathy and I have been trying to lead more discipline lives, while meditating on the verse in 2 Timothy, "For God gave us not a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-discipline." Which is encouraging, b/c it means I already have the spirit of self-discpline! I don't have to do anything special to acquire it. I do, however, have to pray and struggle with how to use it--how to grab ahold of it, using it for God's good purposes and not as a futile means of self-betterment sans God's grace. I do wonder what would happen if I could merge my artsy self--the one full of pathos and genuineness and spontaneity--with my rigid, disciplined self (which is often short-lived. this self can get LOTS of stuff done in a day, but feels empty at the end of it). I guess both selves have their pros and cons. I prefer the former, though. I choose dancing over duty.

summer again

so I graduated from UNC two weeks ago...





which brings me to the futon in a messy, moving-out-moving-in-boxes-strewn-everywhere bedroom at my parents' house in wake forest, N.C., listening to the latest Iron and Wine CD and feeling the artistic urge to write/play piano/tinker with cameras.

Julianne and Emily came to play with me and catch up on life for a week...and it was so wonderful, albeit difficult at times. (apparently when you don't see your best friends for two whole years and then get together again, you are way different than you were the last time you saw each other). Our time together was so blessed, though, and I'm grieving their departure. :( We went to Asheville to play with goats, contra dance at warren wilson, drum at the friday night circle, hike up a mountain and enjoy the view at the top and eat dried berries, and talk talk talk.

pictures are forthcoming.

in the meanwhile, I will be hanging out with my future landlady, discussing the ukraine, where she might be taking me in november to photograph her missionary endeavors. (cross your fingers and say a prayer. this would be awesome!) other pressing concerns include visiting relatives and drinking tea, photographing a kick-ass wedding in hillsborough, and calling the leaders of an indigenous tribe in ecuador to discuss my upcoming documentary in the amazon. Does anyone know the best way to contact them? ehhhh...this will be an adventure. :)

oh, and if anyone wants to hire me next year to do photography, give me a call. seriously. :)

end is near

what a crazy day
crazy week
crazy semester
crazy year
crazy last
four
years
of
my life

God stilled me, shocked me, with his grace today. spent several hours outside at the stonehenge-replica in chapel hill, praying, crying, needing him, then being moved by his LOVE for me. he called me and then saved me from a bad long-distance relationship, he put me in a HUGE family where I can be a big sister and a little sister and a daughter to many. He put passion for photojournalism (which is really a deep desire to be vulnerable with others and enable them to be vulnerable with me, for His glory...to share that with others) in me, and He has seen me through a lot of shit, pardonmylanguage.

God changes hearts. It happened today, this semester, this college era of my life. there are always hard-hearted periods, but it doesn't stop Him from working. Praise God.

I love you, Lord.

arboretum

portraits in the arboretum. spring smells the best.

gonna live with this lovely lady next year :)

the last day of college, act of worship on my rug

I prayed this afternoon, in twilight frustration about my REM-interrupted, apathetic, isolated, no-good day, that God would show me the work that he would have me do.

This is it: what I am doing right now. My work is to remember God’s grace, God’s love, and how he has manifested Himself through so many people…in my weaknesses and strengths. I haven’t gotten through the last four years because I am strong. I haven’t forged lasting friendships because I am perfect. I haven’t found a major or passion because I am clever and industrious. I am about to graduate the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill because I am LOVED by a HUGE and GLORIOUS King, Redeemer, and Friend!!!!

God couldn’t have made this more evident to me in the manner that He chose. Of course I would have come to the RUF Banquet kicking and screaming, grumbling some jibberish about how “no one knows me” and thinking myself “past” RUF. Of course I wouldn’t have decided on my own strength, “Yes, this would be a lovely thing for me to do in which I will encounter God’s faithfulness to me through the years.” That isn’t my history. God has always used my weaknesses to the very fullest to teach me bigger lessons about Himself.

While at the RUF Senior Banquet I was well aware of my failures; I was not like Bethany- I had not been faithful to RUF through the years…I mean, from my very first day I was running away, not towards, large group and organized activities. When Ben was fired I grew frustrated and disillusioned and bitter. I harbored all sorts of bad fruit. I missed out on opportunities to draw near to folks—I ate with Rebecca just once or twice, and never have I done anything with Hannah Hoffman one-on-one. When I dated Mike I wilted and withdrew from community. I have not always loved Julia; I have been super-frustrated with her for MONTHS, and she was right in saying that our friendship was “stretching” (yet so so fruitful!) Yet these failures don’t crush me before God; Christ really has nailed them to the cross, been scorned for them, bled for them, killed for them, and RAISED in spite of them! I could stand in that room, loved and valued by RUFers not because I was perfect, but because every promise in Jesus is “Yes” and “Amen” and one of those promises is to use even Courtney Potter’s smallest acts of (unconscious) faith to spread His glory to others. That’s why person after person could raise their hand and share with me meaningful ways—both small and HUGE—that God had used me in their lives. It’s incredible. It’s absolutely incredible that this flighty, emotional, noncommittal, doubting woman could make a difference in the lives of people around her. God used me? ME????? But it’s not incredible in the sense that Jesus promised this would happen.

And that’s what I mean when I say the RUF Senior Banquet was a foretaste of heaven. When I die and ascend to glory, I will remember all those hard lessons that I had to learn on earth; I will remember my failures and mistakes. But that sin and weakness will no longer crush me the way it can on earth. I will not be ashamed not because those sins are small but because Christ will be VISIBLE, and that visibility will cover all of my darkness. On earth I am sinner saved by grace, and in heaven I will still be a sinner saved by grace. And I will see all the other ways that God used me to love others and make His glory known that went unrecognized by myself or others on earth. I will not forget my past; no, my memory of my past will be magnified in the presence of Christ. Does not darkness’ very presence provide a contrast for light, making the final painting that much more stunning?
Lord- thank you for your faithfulness to me. Thank you for fulfilling your promise to use me. I really am a jar of clay, and you really are the Maker! And what you have made is good. I praise you for the works of your hands!

I am so encouraged and refreshed right now. So motivated to continue the difficult, threateningly dangerous battle of “working out my salvation in fear and trembling.” God has brought me so so so far and will bring me yet farther.
It’s funny and humbling when you think about the ways I was used to bless others. Elly said I blessed her when I said that I don’t shave my legs because I’m practicing self-confidence. How could not shaving my legs be a BLESSING to others? That’s crazy. We’re talking about leg-hair, here. But this lifted her spirits and encouraged her to not worry about outward appearances and man’s thoughts when what God thinks of you is the only thing that really matters. Hannah said I’m like a big sister to her, yet I didn’t “pursue” her with the fervor and devotion with which I have pursued other friendships. Quentin said he communes with God and prays because I share my struggles so much; if I didn’t struggle openly, he wouldn’t have prayed. Okay, so God uses my SIN then! To benefit others and get them to talk to Him. That’s even weirder than the leg-hair thing. Julia said I blessed her the first week of school when she was “catatonic” and I took her out to Fosters for lunch. She said she didn’t remember a word I said, but that it spoke mountains to her. This may be the weirdest of them all! It means that God didn’t use my well-crafted words in that instance. But He still used me to love Julia and bring glory to His name!

Folks said I was organic, spiritual, genuine, different in thinking and dress, honest, imperfect, sincere in my love for God and my openness for Him to work in my life. That’s really really cool. For anyone who didn’t know me before freshmen year of college—this description is a TOTAL makeover, from the inside-out. In high school I was limited and closed rather than organic; over-analytical rather than spiritual, intense rather than genuine; conformist in thought and dress rather than expressive; striving for perfection rather than honest about my imperfections, absent in love for God or others, and scared of letting Him in. HOLY CRAP. This isn’t superficial. God’s working in my life—God’s grace—has caused me to realize on every level the freedom that I have in Christ. I am me—organic, genuine, emotionally volatile, different, etc.—because I am free in Christ to be that. He is shaping me into the beautiful woman that He has made me to be, and I can boast in His work. I look at myself and I have pride—not because I did it, but because God is writing my story, and He is the best story-teller.

And now college is coming to end. It was the last day of class. It was my last RUF event. And now I am sprawled, half-naked, on the rug in my crazy grafitti-walled apartment, listening to Iron and Wine as I beat on the broken keyboard of my old laptop, which has been with me for these last four years for acts of worship such as this one. What was my work for today? To go to the RUF Senior Banquet and hear how God has used my in others’ lives. To worship God at 10:52 pm on my rug, responding to the fiery impulse inside of my heart to write to Him in humility and sincere thankfulness.

thank you.

unintentional poem

i wrote this in response to a silly online personality quiz question (where you jot down your thoughts in thirty seconds when shown a nifty painting). i found the sheet and forgot what it was for a moment. this is what i noted word for word, spacing and all, which is kind of funny in hindsight:

sky, like earth
creation
egypt and all the
world
earth colors
pool
ancient

okay so it's not really good but oh well.

thoughts/aspirations of the day:
--i want my photographs to become more like words, and I want my words to become more like photographs.

--comics are a lot like photo stories. read (receive/perceive) this sweet book

--anime is kick-ass.

--i'm going to watch unico tonight. need to rewatch princess mononoke.

--i've been reading about anime for my visual culture class and had one of those moments today where i got excited about the vast vast vast vast vast x infinity amount of knowledge/creation in the world! there's this whole unexplored area expression like anime/cyberpunk/comics/graffiti that i don't really know a thing about and couldn't possibly absorb 5% of it in my entire lifetime.

--apparently i'm an innovater. that's what the personality test said, and we all know personality tests are infallible.

--closure is a concept storytellers know how to exploit. didn't realize this.

--I want to be a better storyteller.

come to open eye tonight to hang out!!!!

Do you want to be healed?

“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’”

Courtney, do you want to get well? Answer this, honestly.

Here’s what I want healing for:

A healed mind. Where I can sleep at night and not have my mind racing about things I need to do or did that day. The ability to stop thinking about food. The ability to be fully me before my Mom and unashamed; to cry withher and talk with her and embrace her. To be real together. The ability to stop sinning. To not even have a dirty thought enter my head. To not despair. For despair to be so far from me that I can’t remember the days of darkness, of freshman year, of last semester, the sleepless nights where all I can do is groan. To not have to grasp grasp grasp for jesus each morning because I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to be in glory, to be in your presence. To not have to descend to earth’s mediocrity. To not settle. To truly KNOW, from my earlobes to my pinky toe, that I am forgiven; that freshman year’s angry outbursts are wiped away, that last week’s selfish ambition is erased, the way the shore smooths over stones,to not be so into myself when other people are talking; to want to listen to others always and DELIGHTING in this. To be so open and vulnerable, the way a naked woman is before her husband; to be open to God’s intimate leading, his exciting adventure for me. To not want control over my life, but to yield it all to Him. (it’s funny, because deep down photojournalism the Career-the Title-the Status isn’t anywhere in my deepest desires).

But this is what is:

I would like to do things without exalting those things…I would like to be able to take pictures without exalting myself and FORGETTING my status as a child of the king. I want to be able to remember the things I forgot before the fall…how to walk on water, that I am valued because God is my Father, how to sense the emotions of the angels, how to climb trees and jump into the water thousands of feet below without being smashed against the rocks, how to speak in ancient tongues, how to have faith like a little child, how to let my imagination run run run unfettered, how to create stories upon stories, how to dance before nations and tribes without self-consciousness, how to hunger after food that is not sweet or artificial, but nourishing and that tastiest food I could ever imagine, how to daydream and not feel guilty about “wasting time” because there will be everlasting time and no minutes will ever be wasted “doing nothing” because there is all the time in the world, to be able to time-travel and tesseract, to visit other planets, to read and learn forever.

I want healing from short-sightedness. I am spiritually blind; I cannot see what I once saw, before the Fall of Man. I want healing from spiritual paralysis; I cannot walk on water, I cannot dance the tango with my Lord; I cannot even touch Him without shriveling and dying of fright; I want healing for my spiritual psychosis; I have a mental disease that makes me hunger after temporary, moldy bread of this world and it makes my stomach reject Real Food, True Bread. And what I need healing from the most is that I CHOSE these afflictions. When standing at the crossroads of Everlasting Life, Extended Rest, Joyful Singing, Art and Imagination, The Best School Ever, and then the road of Destruction, Half-ness, Decay, Impermanence, Instant Gratification, I chose the lesser path. It’s my fault. “Although I knew god, I neither glorified him nor gave thanks to him, and my thinking became futile and my foolish heart was darkened” (Romans 1:21).
So while that question, “Do you want to be healed,” seemed distant and strange to me at first, when I’m honest with myself my heart and body scream YES YES YES I want healing!!!!

And Jesus’ response to the paralyzed man, and to me?

“Get up. Pick up your mat and walk.”

Pick up all those earthly lackings that shackle you: peel away your spiritual maladies, the way you could old scabs, and watch the skin regenerate before your very eyes. All those sins that so easily entangle you daily and burden you down, just cast them aside. They’re not as heavy as you think, Courtney. Your short-sightedness, your despair, your spiritual paralysis, your inability to do the things of Paradise—unpeel them, pick them up, and put them at my Feet. And then walk—with new eyes, with a renewed mind. You can do the impossible things because I say so. But without my calling, you can do none of this.

And then:

“See, you are well again. Stop sinning.”

Praise God!!! This morning I am well. And with each encounter with Jesus, he reminds me, “See, you are well again.” He has promised me complete healing, a bodily resurrection. And I anxiously await for the day where I can soar on the wings of the angel s and can actually feel their multi-colored feathers—adorned with honeysuckle and lilac and precious gems—with my fingertips.

“Oh, the depth of the riches of
the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable h
is judgments, and his paths beyond tracing
out!
Who has known the mind of
The Lord?
Or who has been his
Counselor?
Who has ever give to God,
That god should repay him?
For from him and through him
And to him are all
Things.
To him be the glory forever!
Amen!”

it's love, that's it.

the gospel is really simple. when asked to analyze all the old rules and laws and regulations, all the should's and shouldn'ts and shalt's and shall not's, Jesus tells the people that really all God desires is that we love Him and love others. That's it.

it's not easy...Jesus says you have to do this with your whole heart, mind, soul, body--loving God and loving people involves the whole self. how often do I not do this? my body language, even, is usually one of impatience...wanting the speaker to get on with it because I want my turn or I want to leave or something.

the cool thing is, Jesus gives me this love! everything I need to enter into this whole "love" thing, Jesus offers me freely.

after church today a bunch of us were sitting around teresa's house, eating her amazing cuisine, and discussing everything from odessa to national geographic to today's sermon (on roman's 14-the main point being, don't judge others. we all have differences, we can be different but still in the same family; it's not about following rules...it's about following JESUS, who is the only one who can judge). elly commented at one point that though it's cool when whole nations convert to christianity (we were discussing how former chinese communist rulers are suddenly believing in Jesus), she is wary when people put their trust in the SYSTEMS to change you rather than the SAVIOUR. It's not about getting the right ideas or laws or truths or beliefs or whatever. The only truth you need to get down is that Jesus changes hearts. real people.

anyways, i was just really encouraged today. I felt this huge weight lift--a self-imposed weight that i've been carrying around, trying to follow my own standards of righteousness, forgetting that Jesus has already imputed me with his perfect obedience, his righteousness.

fun in the 'hood

love love love love love these kids.

what is neighbor love?

have been thinking a lot about the command to "love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself."

In my feeble attempts to follow this command, God has been showing me
a) how much I don't naturally love my neighbors
b) how much attention/love/service I naturally demand from others

I take so much for granted! I have been driving all over God's green earth this week and last working on a photo story, but as soon as friends asked me to drive them an hour away my immediate reaction was, "heck no! I don't have time! i don't want to drive you, I just want to drive myself everywhere." gross. I repented and apologized to Brooke, and now I'm experiencing the joy of God filling my heart with HIS love. I don't think you can experience this joy unless you realize the crapiness or your own heart and beg God to take it away. There isn't room in a dirty closet for new clothes. The cool thing was I didn't expect God to make me JOYFUL about serving my sister, but He is doing that!

In contemplating points a) and b) above, I started making a list of all the ways people have served me at UNC (at my conscious and subconscious demand), to this very moment. It's crazy. Here are some ways, big and small:

1) relatives letting me stay at their homes on numerous occasions when my family was in the process of moving to N.C.

2) Nate C. letting me use his driveway for like two months to park my car freshman year

3) Pat giving me countless photo edits, at my demand. He even came into school one day on his day OFF to edit my stuff! (and i attribute contest prizes to myself. yeah right...it's SO not me.)

4) Chris C, Cassie B. and lots of photo students volunteering their time with 37th Frame this year---and they didn't get credit. I was partially motivated by the "status" of being curator--at least I get a few thanks at the end. They joyfully helped out, not expecting to get anything in return. That is huge. I am humbled and so very grateful

5) elby and dhivya comforting me when I was moody and crying during the whole mike saga. They were always quick to listen, even though i wasn't fun, and slow to judge. I would have laughed at myself.

6) brooke, laura fletcher, ben inman, byron peters, erin coomer, girls at community group, john r., kathy herington, and countless countless brothers and sisters in Christ SO quick and willing to care for me spiritually. quick to pray for me, quick to carry my burdens, quick to cry with me and for me, quick to be jesus INCARNATE. i've demanded prayers and support SO much, and just expected it! I want to be quick to love others the way these folks loved me.

7) architects building libraries and coffeeshops for me to study in. seriously! you never really think about it, but i take it for granted that people will do what they love to do in order to serve my building/creative/studying needs. i'm glad architects studied at school. i'm glad art historians wrote books for me to use to write papers. I can't attribute an "A" to myself...if they hadn't written the books, i wouldn't know squat. something to chew on.

8) photo story subjects letting me just invade their lives, interrupt things, ask them to, you know, just bare their souls in front of the camera and recorder. I often feel like these amazing people are serving me more than I am serving them!!! They are allowing me to do what I LOVE and to grow and experiment as a photographer. They give me creative space! so thanks to Chief Henry and fam, Bobby Hill and fam, the Sexton crew and the whole neighborhood, Cristina in Patagonia and fam, all the boarding school kids in Chile, the capoeirstas in Naples, all the kids i've babysat and photographed, hookah bliss folks, eco-institute folks, holy cow the list goes on foreveeeeeeeeeerrrrrr. so many people I am thankful for!!!!

9) mom and dad doing my laundry, giving me food, making me dinner, making doctors appointments for me, talking on the phone when I need them. I'd like to think that I serve my parents, but really they still serve me in HUGE ways. it blows me away, and really humbles me because I am not as quick to serve them. I want to be though!

10) sisters' older friends letting me be their little sister, too, when I am especially needy. gchats and aim talks and bedside talks.

11) people who make me coffee. heck, people who pick the coffee beans in south america. And i just expect them to do this for me. all hell would break loose if they stopped picking coffee and i couldn't be caffeinated! when you really think about how much WORK goes into enjoying a single product....it's crazy. let's take a salad and go backwards. students washed the leaves and put the spinach in the bowl together, they prayed over the food before I consumed it. teresa bought the salad from the farmer's market and refrigerated it and made sure it was fresh. people sold it at the farmers' market on saturday. farmers grew the spinach and they probably prayed over their crops, too. and i don't even know what happens before that. so much love and hard, physical work goes into my enjoying a single salad. okay i'm really rambling now, but what would happen if I thought about every object this way? a work of art? a table? a water bottle I borrowed from Lydia Friz like eight years ago and never returned? woooooooowwwwww i take so much for granted

12) IT guys in the j-school who let me check out laptops like every other week. and i demand this! i would flip out if they didn't serve me. wow. so thankful.

13) teachers writing recommendations at the LAST MINUTE so i can go to the Galapagos Islands or Patagonia or who knows where.

14) teachers giving me extensions when I am sick, giving me grace when I am worn out and depressed or sleepless. grace grace grace grace.

15) even in my play---people who actually hang out with me when I am bored and call them, using them because i am bored and don't want to feel bored.

16) financial aid giving me loan money and need money. Even though they can't get their crap together sometimes (says our graffiti wall), they still give me money and i can go to school and do cool things with it. blesssssinnngggggggs

17) parents being more proud of my accomplishments than their own. celebrating with me when good stuff happens. wow. i don't know if care MORE for others' accomplishments than my own. even though i've already established here that my accomplishments are never truly "mine."

18) people bringing buckets and djembes and letting me use them to make music on franklin. service in creativity. would never do that alone, can't do it alone!

19) people being patient with me when I am flaky (which is a lot) and back out on plans because I want to do what I want (which is a lot). wow. how do people put up with me?

20) friends who email me asking me how they can pray for me. unsolicited. that's love.

okay, so that's it for now. i could keep going. what are things ya'll can think of? it's kind of fun to realize how much work and love go into a single product for YOUR use and enjoyment. we really are still kids...don't know if we ever grow out of our natural inclination to want and expect people to do things for us. i want to give back though, i really do want to learn how to love with the love I've been shown.

--cpot

second chances

cover me with a red sky tonight
promise of a better day to come.

need it, sure do.

God provides!!!!

I am in awe of God's faithfulness right now, and I am also humbled to the bones.

Why does He lavish blessings on me even though I doubt, I cry, I kick and scream and don't believe???? I am yet again reminded, powerfully, that it is not my "perfect faith" or "perfect attitude" that causes God to bless me; He is God and CHOOSES to bless me. I certainly don't deserve it! Erin reminded me that God tests us so as to expose our heart's true desires (which are cloudy and imperfect and often downright sinful). He causes us to feel the depths of our hearts, to push us almost to the point of despair, just so He can lift us up out of it and bring greater glory to His name!

The Lord just met my financial needs to the last penny. For the last two months I have been fretting something AWFUL about summer plans and lack thereof, joblessness, and a recent bankruptcy that was the result of my loan money getting screwed up. I spent the last two weeks being forced to examine how I spend my money, thinking that i just spent all the loan money (not knowing it was a fluke), and this was not a pretty thing. My heart is exposed in my bankbook...so much money was spent on my Baals and Asherahs, contest fees for my pride, hard drives for my visual identity (bah), Starbucks and Weaver Street breakfasts for my appetite and pleasures. God started to teach me that I do not give back to Him what He gives me financially, and that I hoard my money and rarely use it for others!!!! This is an area of my life that I'd rather not touch; my default with money is to just not think about how i'm spending it (because it's such a soft spot).

Anyways, He brought me down pretty low. His discipline was good, and it got me praying. God knows my heart; He sees all aspects of me, naked and exposed, and the crazy thing is that He loves ALL OF ME! Even though I am bad with money, He loves me! And He wants me to meditate on His mountains of mercy...to steep in His everlasting waters. He's not screaming down at me from heaven's throne, his brow furrowed, shouting, "Courtney why can't you get your act together, you covetous rebel? Why can't you be perfect? I won't love you until you are." NO! The church is God's whore, but He loves her fiercly. And He is changing me NOW! He is transforming my desires NOW and turning me into the Pure Bride that He already sees me as.

And just now he gave me all of my rent money back. He also gave me two grants for the summer...two grants to go to the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador to do multimedia journalism. Two grants that I had given up on because of "the bad economy" and because of my "sinful heart" and countless other things. And he gave me the EXACT amount I need to fund this! I am amazed, blown away right now at His generosity and kindness and patience, because am certainly not any of those things and in NO WAY deserve these grants. My roommies could testify to that...they've seen the panic attacks, they've heard the whining and complaining.

So now, here I am, amazed that God opened a door that looked shut to me. And I am excited about the possibilities...I am SO excited to see what stories He leads me to in South America and how He grows up the body of Christ...how I get to be an active part of that!!!! (Pat said that at least half of the people going to the Galapagos were Christians!) I praise His name right now. I praise Him for the hardship and struggle of waiting, I praise him for the testing that I did NOT perform well in, and I praises Him for His blessings. But even if He were to close this door, He would have provided for me.

Increase my faith, sweet Jesus. Make me more like you.

caffeinated ramblings

just drank coffee out of a to-go mug my photo story subjects lent me, and now i'm sitting in my empty apartment listening to Jai Ho on youtube and feeling potential. I'm about to sit down and do my Visual Culture readings, which has been the hardest thing to do these days...just sit in the present and be a student. hopefully spring break cured my restlessness for a bit. i want to learn Paul's secret of being content in any and every situation!

anyways, here are the highlights of this month:

-finally delved into my j481 photo story, on the Sexton family. It's really nice taking pictures again, and this is one of the first stories I have done where I feel more like a friend and less like a strange photographer (though I still retain that strangeness, as Tim so kindly reminds me with each opening and closing of the shutter). :) Hospitality isn't just something done on the side with this family, it's a lifestyle...and natural one that seems to just flow and spill and spread out all over the place. I've really enjoyed picking Tim and Amie's brains...they have a heart for Jesus, a heart for kids, a heart for community-building and living "not safely." It's such a contrast to the way I was raised, and they retain an attractive selflessness that convicts and challenges and encourages me. I fell asleep on their couch last night after talking about parenting and growing up and how God will gut out your/my/our selfishness and provide for you/me/us and countless other things, like starting Christian communes (and that commune in Philly started by Shane something-or-other, a pastor with dreads. oh and they fed me pancakes this morning. :) below are some photos...trying to string together a storyline:















-had refreshing time with Jesus at the beach in South Carolina, which included a solo bike exploration across Hilton Head island and my Bible. I had several "gospel" moments, where He reminded me so firmly and gently that He loves me even though i don't have my act together! Ever since I started dating Mike, and even before (think: last spring) I've been wandering from the folds of God, and it's okay! Colossians 2 invokes us to remember how we received our salvation and continue in Christ in this same way. If I received Christ (rather, Christ reached me) when I was a loveless, angry, rebellious and clinically depressed teenager, I do not need to wait until I'm "healthy" or cured of all current restlessness, anxiety, and lovelessness in order to remain in Christ! He expects me to be a wanderer! He expects me to forget Him and to sin! And He loves me anyways! He loves me fiercely...do you know how loved I am???!!!! And He IS changing me; He has already begun the process of gutting out my heart and filling it with Christ. I am no longer defined by my lovelessness and my rebellion, even though I still struggle with sin, because Christ has adopted me and defined my by His family. Repent and believe, repent and believe. Jesus is my atoning sacrifice; there is therefore now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

-watched Slumdog Millionaire. Go see it. Sponsor a kid from Mumbai. Then go dance to Jai Ho.

-started a new painting!!!!! I haven't painted since before I broke up with Mike, and for awhile I was scared that I let all of my artistic inspiration spring from and for him. Oh and I sold my first painting!

-crossed paths with old friends who were once very dear to my heart, and then we just sort of fell out of sync for a bit. I'm excited to see what God will do with these intersections.

-By God's grace, am starting to give up some of my desires to the Lord. As much as I want a photo job and to grow/utilize my gifts, I want to want Jesus more. The gift is not greater than the Giver; the photo job is not going to give me the satisfaction or security that only Jesus can give. God has been showing me how much I'm trying to make my home in this world; the truth is, though, that all of the deepest desires of my heart WILL be met in Heaven, and Jesus is already beginning to woo me! I may not ever feel "utilized" on earth, and God could very well cause me to lose my sight or to lose my hands, but He has a specific job for me and a specific role for me and a specific place for me in His House in the New Heavens!

-started wearing random second-hand clothing again. My mom bought me a bunch of nice clothes for Christmas, which I appreciate, but I missed throwing on headscarves and hole-y leggings and painted-smeared dresses. I know it's just clothes, but God made us visual people and He wants for us to express ourselves!

-read Water for Elephants and most of Travels with Charley in Search for America.

-slept outside under the stars and went in some rich person's backyard to watch a magnificent sunset in South Carolina that reminded me of Patagonia...gave me the same stirring in my heart that I forgot was there!

-ran out of rent money for may. God is putting lots of stumbling blocks in my place, for my good. He is disciplining me in my finances because he loves me...pray for patience and good stewardship...pray that I could look to Him to provide and do what I need to do to be faithful to His calling to love Him and love others (with my money). It's definitely an area of my life I need lots of growth in...managing time, money, gifts, etc., in a wise way that isn't selfish. At any rate, I think this means a closed door for the Galapagos...which is good! God is closing one door to open a better one, and to make me more like Jesus.

okay so this was kind of random. School starts again on Monday. It's my last six weeks as a student...ever. Holy Cow.

dear words, my old friends:

I don't understand how people who make pictures for a living can update their blogs with images, images images. all the time. don't get me wrong, I love pictures (and I love the people who have legit photo blogs--they are some of the most talented, beautiful and inspiring people I know), but I can't eat, breathe and sleep photos they way I ought* to. There's so much naked experience to be embraced, without sewing fig leaves for myself out of my digital SLR.

isn't it funny that this is photo blog, but all I want to do is write? Admittedly, I've felt trapped by photojournalism and its academic demands. I know I'm not experiencing the real thing, because I was happy as a clam this summer while adventuring in naples with my camera and new visual friends. but i just don't want to make pictures right now. I would rather make pictures with words--old friends, neglected by the courtney on the right for a time. I have not forgotten you! In fact, I need you!

what I love about writing in this instant is I don't care much about its quality. I'm not writing for personal gain, I'm not writing to prove, strive, achieve, compare, beat, smother, conquer. I'm just writing because I haven't exercised verbal muscle in quite some time, and it's delightful rediscovering this pleasure. In the worn texture of the keys beneath my fingers, in the way my mind is simultaneously soothed and stimulated. It's like revisiting the backyard of my childhood home, with the three oak trees and tire swing. I haven't pumped, back and forth, back and forth, beneath those autumny branches in some time.

not that I don't love photography. I just need a sabbatical from images for a bit; enough of media commodities and mechanical reproducibility. Expression's playground is really the Amazon, and photography is just one Pourouma. I want to frolic and be a spirit-child for a bit.

spring break is coming. shall I travel to montreal?

*I am trying to recognize negative thought patterns (see earlier blog post on Wendell Berry and expectation) in myself. I impose ridiculous requirements on myself; I must go through forty "oughts" and "shoulds" and "ought nots" and "should nots" a day! Who says I ought to have a photo blog with images? Pat? Future employers? God? No one. I think this is a still a photo blog. or expression blog or venting blog or seeking inspiration or respite blog or something. whatev.old

mediocrity

mediocrity is snapping pictures at
college parties of
half-empty bottles: their contents
billows: forts and blankets
mirages of acquaintances
their broken graffiti signatures on the living room wall.
Wonder-- asleep in red technology caves; the images
fulfilled her momentary soul
thirst

now in temporary graves
the magic was buried alive.

to be a Real Photographer and other insights into mystery

this semester has been bleak and mechanic, as I have been trapped in my preconceptions and expectations. I live in a circle of selfishness, making (not-so) calculated moves based on my desires, dreams, fears and self-affirming ambitions. But what of the world outside of that enclosure, over my white picket Fences? What of a mystery and grandeur so powerful that I am dwarfed and put in my proper place? I say I believe in the Puritan tenet that "the way down is up,"--that suffering means glorification, but I don't actually live with this conviction. I want to look beyond my idea of who God is, of what the world is, of who i am, of goodness and badness, of truth and beauty. The idea is not the reality, yet I live as if I know the answers. I want to look beyond my mind's enclosure and allow myself to be changed by what I see.

I guess the first step to doing this is being honest about the ways I have not done this. I used to pride myself on my honesty, but I learned last semester that I am not honest; the hardest thing for me to do is paint how I really feel about my family or my body. I cannot for the life of me come up with photo story ideas; I do not know what inspires me, what tickles my soul, what brings me to my knees in praise. For the past six months I have approached work with an increasingly fearful mindset, unable to avoid anxiety attacks outside of the J-school or streams of tears when alone in my apartment--the pressure of tedious deadlines and self-imposed expectations on my shoulders. And let's not even talk about job applications--I haven't approached this optimistically, realistically, or with any semblance of discipline. If I can't land the perfect photo job after school, then why try at all?

What a destructive way of thinking! In trying to escape work (for fear of it), I have robbed myself of the capacity to enjoy work and leisure. In looking for the future-placed product to fulfill me (the completed photo story, the secured post-graduation job, the changed circumstances), I have lost sight of Character and Grace. To complete the photo story, I need inspiration and discipline. In securing the post-graduation job, I need patience and courage. Instead of begging God to change my circumstances and remove the hardships, the struggles, the temptations, why don't I pray for Character? Why don't I ask for transformation that transcends my limited human abilities? I think this is a bit of what it means to share in Christ's sufferings; my dependent Savior knew only what God showed Him.

I hate how I'm using photojournalism. I hate the contests. I hate getting caught up in MY progress, MY portfolio, MY story, MY career. I am building an identity out of this work, this art, which should really be a vehicle for mercy. I have cherished my subjects or the world while using it; I have not even really done much of it because I am spending so much of my energy trying to figure out how I can use it to get what I want (i.e. a trip to the Galapagos Islands, a job that will pay me enough money to pay off loans, adventure, excitement, pleasure, security, comfort, status, importance). And I have not been happy (for good reason). In all my selfish twistings of the Gift, I have lost my capacity to feel and love others and the world. I want to do what I do, not because I am duty-bound, but because I love the world and love my family. I want my work to serve the earth I live on and from and with, meaningfully, unendingly. I want to taste the daily and seasonal rewards that come from hard work. I want spiritual and tangible connection.

But all is not lost! This blog entry would end here, in utter hopelessness, if I didn't have a Saviour. Look up, Courtney! Lift your darkened and clouded eyes to the heavens! Even though your sight if flawed, you can feel the warmth of the Sun on your face! Repent and believe! You are far more selfish than you could ever know, but this does not stop me from loving you! You will never use my gifts in the way you ought, but I will still love you. I died for thieves and swindlers; I died for people like you, who abuse people in the name of "art," who misappropriate power, who spend money unwisely on your own pleasures, who run away from responsibilities. I give life to people who have absolutely NOTHING good to account for in their own lives. Your ONLY work on earth is to believe! And since this is too big of a task for you to handle, I will give you all the grace you need to help you believe. So stop trying to fix your problems, which are really anthills--not temples--and let me infuse your life with Love and Inspiration and Awe and Meaning and Romance and Wonder and Paradox and Humility and Value. I will do it! I will lead in you the good works I have set out for you!

I want to end with this passage from Wendell Berry's "The Once Inch Journey," which I find incomprehensibly beautiful and mysterious. It fills me with a sense of hope and gratitude; God is working out the ends to which I aspire. To be a real Photographer. This work that He is doing is simple: He is clarifying my Sight.

"I turn to the figure of the photographic artist--not the tourist-photographer who goes to a place, bound by his intentions and preconceptions, to record what has already been recorded and what he therefore expects to find, but the photographer who goes into a place in search of the real news (the Good News) of it.

His search is a pilgrimage, for he goes along ways he does not fully understand, in search of what he does not expect and cannot anticipate. His work involves a profound humility, for he has effaced himself; he has done away with his expectations; he has ceased to make demands upon the place. He keeps only the discipline of his art that informs and sharpens his vision--he keeps, that is, the practice of observation--for before a man can be a seer he must be a looker. His camera is a dark room, and he has made a dark place in his mind, exultant and fearful, by which he accepts that he does not know what he is going to see, he does not know the next picture. He has entered into the darkness--in order to see! But for the moment the dark lens holds only a vague potency, like a seed, still one with the mystery of what will come next, which is one with the mystery of the wilderness and of creation.

And then there comes a breaking of the light--and there is another shore to step out of the dark upon, lighted by a blooming flower like a candelabra. We are invited on! We are led on as by the promise of a feast spread for us that we do not yet know. In the shadows a little stream steps down over a ledge of rock into the light. Beyond are the trees, and the darkness again...The camera is a point of reference, a bit like a compass though not nearly so predictable. It is the discipline and the opportunity of vision. In relation to the enclosure we call civilization, these pictures are not ornaments or relics, but windows and doors, enlargements of our living space, entrances into the mysterious world outside the walls, lessons in what to look for and how to see. They limit our comfort; they drain away the subtle corruption of being smug; they make us a little afraid, for they suggest always the presence of the unknown, what lies outside the picture and beyond eyesight; they suggest the possibility of the sudden accesses of delight, vision, beauty, joy that entice us to keep alive and reward us for living; they can serve as spiritual landmarks in the pilgrimage to the earth that each on of us must undertake alone.

Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into. You are undertaking the first experience, not of the place, but of yourself in the place. It is an experience of our essential loneliness, for nobody can discover the world for anybody else. It is only after we have discovered it for ourselves that it becomes a common ground and a common bond, and we cease to be alone."

It's a spiritually journey of learning how to see, learning how to be at home. Each inch humbling and joyful.

acrylic trees, yellow.

So I just painted a giant yellow tree on my bedroom wall/ceiling and created polaroid-foliage of sorts. Then I proceeded to take out old photos from frames (by old...i mean stuff from when I was 17. I always have tons of new pictures I want to print but then I get distracted with taking photos and forget to ever print the ones I liked. Then I just get complacent. But there are too many photos to take and too many things to do with my time and money, like make pizza from scratch and go to a steampunk dance party or tithe or something. but i do wish I made prints more often.)

it's crazy how fast new photos you like become old and boring. I just filled my frames with photos from naples- the pier, the sarasota and cambier drum circles, other things/people that inspired me this summer/december. But I feel as though that season of my life has come to a close, and soon I'll be wanting new inspiration up on my walls.

I regret not having tangible evidence of the last four years. I've taken thousands upon thousands of photos, but I've only printed about a hundred of those photos...and not even the good ones. When I die, and when my back-up CD's and external hard drives become useless, there will be no evidence that a woman named courtney ann potter walked on this earth and breathed inspiration and made pretty pictures. maybe that's why the Teacher declares "everything under the sun is vanity!" Oh, but I do hope my pictures are in heaven! I do hope I can take pictures in heaven!

I'm having one of those rare days where I feel like there is SO much I want to create and i just don't have enough time to do it. I actually have LOADS of time right now, since classes haven't started yet, but that loads feels like nothing. which is why i'm blogging at 2:30 in the morning. creativejuiceswontstopgushingoutofmybrain

i just rearranged my room, prior to painting a giant yellow tree on the wall. it's not square at all. i put my bed in my closet and a mirror in the corner my chair in the off-center and it's lovely and wonderful. if i was all about math or econ, rearranging my room would be a waste of energy, but i'm not all about math or econ, am I? "and it was good."

don't know if i'm ever gonna be able to put photos on this blog. i know how to do it, but i'd much rather rearrange my room. although there are some wonderful steampunk photos that i would love to make public.